Addicted to love

First, I want to give credit where credit's due. The illustrious Staceycakes wrote a stunning blog that made me think about a topic I hadn't considered before, at least not seriously: sex addiction. Now, if you haven't read Stacey's blogs, they are amazing; not only is this gal *gasp!* gorgeous, she has the brain and personality to match, a sort of peaches-n-cream kind a gal, heavy on the cinnamon. You'll probably have to send a friends request first, but by all means, check out her blogs! (Okay, end Public Service Announcement.)

Years ago, a male acquaintance revealed his secret: he was a sex addict. Er ... yeah. See, Austin is filled with self-help groups for just about every ridiculous thing. Potheads Anonymous. Compulsive Tie-Dyers Anonymous. Birkenstock Fetish Anonymous. But Sex Addicts Anonymous? You're kidding. But my friend went to SAA meetings religiously. Sex addiction had caused him to sabotage most of his relationships. One night, in some kind of bizarre catharsis, he drove me to the whore hou -- I mean, the "escort service" he'd once used. Inside a "massage parlor" in a strip mall on the Drag was a reception area filled with bored-looking women painting their nails and reading trashy celebrity magazines. There's Bambi, Ruby, Lillian ... he knew them by name. Uh ... hi? Oh-so-scary.

Last mention of sex addiction came from a gal friend who met a "recovering sexual addict" whilst roommate hunting. This male relayed his many conquests -- numbering well in the hundreds -- and the diseases he'd contracted, including one involving painful blisters. Before she left, he gave her a set of risque pictures depicting him barely-clothed, contorted in positions reminiscent of Calvin Klein ads. I didn't see much "recovery" going on. What kind of person hands out boudoir photos of themselves to strangers?

Back when the term "sex addiction" was first tossed out, my thoughts were, "Lame excuse for fucking everything in sight." Mom and Dad just didn't teach 'em right. I'm still not entirely sold on sex as an addiction. However, Stacey makes a compelling case. There's also this guy named Dr. Al Cooper who did extensive research on the topic. Through my own research, I compiled some of the primary ("Level I") traits of the sexaholic:

• Compulsive masturbation
• Multiple affairs outside a marriage/relationship
• Multiple anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
• Use of pornography
• Frequenting strip bars/adult bookstores
• Unsafe sex
• Cybersex/phone sex
• Hiring prostitutes
• Exchange of revealing photographs over the Internet
• Obsessive "dating" through websites/personal ads

"Level II" traits -- a bit more serious -- include exhibitionism, voyeurism, sexual harassment, and molestation/rape. Unsurprisingly, 75% of sexaholics are men. Multiple addictions are common, namely drug and alcohol abuse (around half), with compulsive eating and spending following closely on its heels. Because this behavior is ultimately hard to hide, most sexaholics bounce from one short-term relationship to another. More than 70% get their "fix" online; Dr. Cooper refers to the Internet as the "crack cocaine" of sex addiction. In looking at his research group, Cooper reached scary conclusions; 70% of sexaholics couldn't maintain a marriage or long-term relationship; 68% were exposed to HIV or STDs; 58% reported legal problems stemming from rape charges; roughly 40% got an unwanted pregnancy out of the deal; and 40% ultimately lost their marriages or relationships.

But unlike substance addiction, what is interesting is that the sexaholic seems to instinctively know that he or she is violating some ethical standard. A sexaholic is likely to move to a new city, thinking a change of environment will cure them; many sexaholics "find God," which helps them alleviate their shame but doesn't keep them from acting out. Some sexaholics get married, thinking they will turn monogamous. None of these things work, of course. A large percentage of sexaholics go into a period Cooper terms "sexual anorexia," during which they exhibit some of the following:

• Dread of sexual pleasure
• Fear of sexual contact
• Distortions of body appearance
• Self-doubt about sexual adequacy
• Rigid, judgmental attitudes about sex
• Obsessive concern about the sexual activity of others
• Shame over sexual experiences

These periods only cause the sexaholic to ultimately cave and go on a sexual "binge" to beat the band.

Plant me firmly on the fence when it comes to sexual addiction. Some mental health professionals think that sexual compulsion stems from other disorders, such as OCD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or Manic-Depression. Then there are those who attribute it to simple lack of morality. Cooper himself concludes that sexual addiction is most prevalent in adults who had disconnected or distant parents. Translated: Mom and Dad didn't have the time or inclination to tell Little Bobby that hiring hookers isn't very cool. Mom and Dad just didn't raise 'em right.

Whether it's an addiction or not, sexual compulsion is at the least a huge problem. I often hear people laugh, "Gee, wish I had a sex addict at home!" Yeah, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? I'd love a guy who was so turned on by me that he sent me naughty emails while I was at work. Hell, every day would be Christmas. But that's not how it works. Someone who is sexually compulsive isn't going to make one person the focus of their desire; their need is to get as many people of the opposite sex -- or same sex, if they're gay -- to act out with them sexually. They could be the most repulsive, undesirable people imaginable. All I have to do is look at that staggering 68% who've been exposed to disease to figure out that the sexual compulsive is NOT the man I want in my life.

As Stacey pointed out, not all men go to strip clubs, and not all men look at porn. I don't take issue with this stuff in moderation, because I'm no prude. But I've also been in at least one situation when I suspect a sexual compulsive tried to sell me a one-way ticket to Creepyville. See, I know that cybersex with strangers, unprotected sex with strangers, getting off to nekkid pictures of strangers, and paying strangers for sex does not remotely qualify as "normal." At least not in my book.

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Do you think that sexual addiction is a true addiction? Have you known any sex addicts? Have any questions for Stacey? She'll be dropping by the blog to answer over the weekend!