How to Tell You Have an Unhealthy Film Addiction

Movies are a wonderful thing. They can entertain on a base level and also rise to the pantheon of high art. But like most things in contemporary culture, their enjoyment can become an abuse. Film fanatics should be wary of the following signs that may point to an unhealthy love of the cinema.

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Step1
You hiss and cover your face when exposed to sunlight.


Step2
The ticket taker at your local cinema just sighs and shakes their head when you approach.


Step3
Your ass has permanent indents directly matching the pattern of your sofa or chair.


Step4
You cannot resist diving headlong into arguments about film even when overhearing them in passing.


Step5
You think Tarantino is a god.


Step6
You unconditionally refuse to watch anything that is not in black and white and Swedish.


Step7
You continually correct people's pronunciation of foreign film directors and stars, going so far as to enunciate the names slowly.


Step8
You have spent endless hours watching bad kung fu action films because your peers regard the "Hong Kong" movement as legitimate cinema.


Step9
You are angered by dialogue appearing in the first five minutes of any movie.


Step10
You sit in the front row, away from the common rabble at the theater.


Step11
You never fully get all the popcorn husks out of your teeth or the butter flavor dust from your fingernails.


Step12
You claim that your film project, now in its eighth year, is at a "very interesting stage".


Step13
You have twelve unfinished screenplays to your credit and three more story ideas "in progress".


Step14
Even though you change it often, your "top ten" film list is always memorized and can be recited at will.


Step15
You decline a party invitation because Turner Classic Movies is having a Sam Fuller retrospective that evening, even though you could Tivo it.


Step16
You broke up with someone because of what they said about Federico Fellini.


Step17
You're still apologizing for Brian DePalma.

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